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On another note.. i need a little help

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Postsimmingmajik on Sun Feb 25, 2018 4:27 am

So this may be a bit long of a post.... forewarning ....
okay so a couple of things i would like some outside opinions on:

but i guess they kind of all correlate.... anyways...
so i have been having super issues with my almost 6 year old lately. A little backstory a couple of years ago his dad and i worked out this quite terrible arrangement come to find out but my heart was in the right place i wanted him to have time with his dad be able to see him as much as me try to put my feelings for him aside, which i did, i agreed to 50/50 visitation. Which if i wanted to air our dirty laundry and his no judge wouldve ever forced me to do however i did it and now my son spends every other week at Dads.... buuuut it is so hard on my son [Aiden, in case i say it and not my son]. He literally hates going over there like poor kid counts down to sunday and when he asks what day it is you can see him hoping its not that day... So you needed to now that to understand the rest.

Lately he has really been showing some bad behavior and poor choice making. Like he keeps throwing tantrums and it stresses me to no end. and im pregnant in the early part so that is no good. last year i had a miscarriage around this time and i just really dont wanna go through all that again ... its hard on everyone involved including him and i quit smoking cigarettes of course when i found out soo thats already got my body under some stress... Like today he came back from my parents... i was asleep when he walked in so i wasnt the happiest of camper as is... but it wasnt 15 mins he had been home and he was whining and carrying on about this jar of like leaves and flowers and berries and water.. just mess... that my dad had of course let him concoct but now he wanted it and wanted to take it in his room to perform "science experiments" on && so you know if you have kids or boys that anything in the room with water and all that in it for "experiments" is literally going to be chaos that you have to clean up so the answer to that is no obviously. well that sends him into a tizzy which leads to screaming at me and crying and the whole nine well i will only let that get so far then you better button up and show your mother some respect.. well of course it gets outta hand so i warn him that he better not speak to his momma that way and i have said no. asked & answered. WELL HE WANTS TO so i better hop to ... no now he gets a spanking and sent to his room to cool off .. immediately as i turn to walk out he throws his tv remote against the wall... NO!!! so i calming say well if it means nothing to you ill take it & remove his television and place it in my closet where the xbox has been chillin for a couple of weeks because of a couple of outburst similar to this one and falling grades , which ill get to. So that turns into a whole mess more and carrying on which leads to me walking out because i can feel the stress building , which again is not good in my current state. I literally am beyond knowing what to do ....quite obviously taking his things and spanking him is doing oh so much.... granted he earns the things back like tonight he cleaned his room apologized to me and helped with dinner to get his tv back... he is a good kid its just , in my opinion from knowing him , hearing him and seeing the correlation in his frustration with the current visitation situation , I think he is beginning to lash out because of how much he doesnt want to go there and because as far as he sees it im the one who makes him...

that being said lets talk grades ... He is in kindergarten so the grades run like E= exceeding M= meets A=approaching... so on and so forth .... so he began school last August with an E, by first report card it was an A, now by second report card its an M .... all in one subject ELA... now i have worked with him extra on the letters and sounds giving him a rough time, we have completed extra work and all yet it hasnt come up . if you asked the teacher during dads weeks are the issue hw isnt always done[more not than is], he comes to school exhausted and late, and he just spaces out a lot... I got them to compile a letter of all these occurrences and i am trying to sort it out with the court ... but its not magic court dates take months to get lawyers are a fortune and then finding one to pursue it or have the time ... but were doing it ...

But like even punishing him for any of the above mentioned sucks beacuse i know its not all in his control and his 5 for goodness sake he cant always sort out his emotions right but i really cant let the behavior slide either... So until something is done maybe to fix the root anyone have suggestions on how to calm the now... it may be selfish but i dont wanna loose this baby or have him being snotty ..... & i need to a bit of advice on just the whole thing ....

sorry if this is all a jumbled mess ...
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PostChicklet45368 on Sun Feb 25, 2018 1:10 pm

Well that is tough! For sure! It does sound like he's very unhappy when he comes back from his dad's house and acting up is his only way of showing how much he dislikes it.

Have you tried to talk to him about what he doesn't like there? Is his dad more strict, does he have other children that he pays more attention to? Do you have other kids that he feels like he's missing out on things at your house when he's gone?

Do you live in the same school district with his dad? When my girls were little, I had shared-parenting with my ex-husband. My girls HATED to go to his house, I mean HATED it, he was a cop and an @$$hole and they couldn't stand his new wife (who he cheated on me with, hence why we were divorced!).

My shared-parenting was 3 days with me one week, 4 days with him, the following week 4 days with me, 3 days with him. Maybe if you're in the same school district you could try something like that, that way he's not gone an entire 7-day stretch at a time.

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Postsimmingmajik on Sun Feb 25, 2018 8:00 pm

We used to do 2/3/3/2 similar to what you suggested believe it or not it was worse. I have asked and pretty much his dad is never around . If hes off he is gallivanting town with his gf or getting DUI's ... Aiden is constantly left with his dads gf[whom he very much dislikes] or his elderly grandmothers who he just doesnt wanna spend that much time with and no neither of us have other children, yet im currently baking at least one lol. & his dad wont hear it . he gives two squats his son is unhappy... or it is affecting his grades i even tried to rewrite the time literally only making him loose 12 days a year and he started a war over it. so like my only hope is a bad @#$%#% lawyer...
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PostChicklet45368 on Mon Feb 26, 2018 12:56 am

Well maybe that's the problem right there, he's not spending time with WITH his dad, he's just AT his dad's house.

Visitation isn't supposed to be with dad's girlfriend. I'd definitely let that be known to the lawyer when you go back to court.

I feel for you, kids are always the one who suffer when parents get divorced. And, it always seems like it's the guy who doesn't care how is kids feel just as long as you're not getting the kid more often than he was. For me and my situation, it all came down to child support. If we had shared parenting his child support was ridiculously low, like $83 every 2 weeks for 2 kids!

Luckily I took him back to court and ended up getting full custody of my girls when they each turned 13. They havent' seen him since, and they're 25 and 30 now.

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Postsimmingmajik on Mon Feb 26, 2018 12:59 am

see i hold full custody never relinquished him any. only visitation . but yeah it has something to do with child support as well as his mother is like the real leader he never wanted more time before court he would go months without seeing or asking about his son ... she pushed him to court and he was only fighting for her motives not his but back then everyone wanted to say i only felt that way because i still "had feelings " for him sadly they were right but it wasnt good feelings i had for him at that point so it wasnt a motivating factor for me
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Postanidup on Tue Feb 27, 2018 4:25 pm

This indeed a difficult time for you. And there is never a clear answer in any of these instances. It might help your case to stop the visitation if you can get him to a child psychologist. He might open up to her/him more than he may be able to do towards you.
And if it is a reputable person, the report that he/she may compile may assist you in giving him less visits.
Also, you can try and amend the visitation agreement, like having it stipulate that he should be spending time with your son, and that you agree on the ways it should be done.
We have mediators here where I live, who assist the parents in getting parenting plans drafted that would suit them as well as the child concerned.
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Postsimmingmajik on Thu Mar 01, 2018 12:14 am

ive taken him to a childs psychologist... didnt do much. kind of ended up being a temporary fix you know like it would work until he left again because he refused to take aiden on his time...&here in SC the law requires any parent with the vistation that he has at least to spend 75% of the alotted time with him. However proving that without a private investigator has been hard and unfortunately took time to gather... i have made an appt with a lawyer on friday so well see... i really shouldve listed all that i have tried probably in the original post ... i was hoping it didnt have to be a court thing again...
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PostFreeasabird on Sun Mar 11, 2018 6:00 pm

Hey simmingmajik
I hope things are better for you. I just wanted to say a couple of things. I have a degree in psychology and from what I have read your son doesn't need a child psychologist for himself. He may however need one to do as anidup suggested. It doesn't sound as if the court has taken the time to ask what the real effect on the child would be before agreeing to this arrangement.

 I'm in the UK and theoretically we have the option to go to a social worker who is supposed to help in these situations, in real life they, like solicitors (Lawyers) often make matters worse. 
There are also laws in place here that dictate that all should be done to aid the child before the parents but that too is ignored most of the time. 

Your little boy is obviously unhappy, so what would happen if he didnt go to his father's house? As you have full custody what could his father actually do if you exercised your right. As the parent I would have thought you have the right to decide this not a court or a lawyer, you are his mother. 

Remember, lawyers dont give a rats butt about the children in their cases. Their only job is to move money from your account to theirs for as long as possible. Plus they are NOT the Law, they read a lot of books and use the law as a job, they dont make it and they dont have any claim on your son. It makes no difference who is making his life difficult, the lawyers or even your exs mother, if they are endangering your sons health they are at fault. We had to study The Rights Of A Child The World Health Organization. You may find something in that document to help you out.

I truly hope you find a solution to the situation.   bighugs2

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Postsimmingmajik on Tue Mar 13, 2018 3:26 am

Update: i met with a really good and highly recommended family law attorney whom said and i quote.... "my case has no merit" and there fore i have to deliver the child to his fathers visitation and anyone whom says this behavior is solely the fathers fault is lying and he wouldn't put any salt in it. There's no conceivable way that my child really feels this way once he leaves me .... so my next and final option since the schools concern wasn't valid enough is a PI... which is as expensive if not more expensive than a lawyer so now i'm in between a rock and a hard place... because i really can only afford one .. its a couple thousand a piece and we don't struggle but spitting out close to 5000 on this in a couple of months would kill us financially and i know that is trivial to my child's happiness but i do still have to feed clothe and house him so we cant be broke broke ... so hopefully some how it will fall into place.

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